Shakespeare goes up to the counter and orders a large cappucino with cinnamon. “Sir, we don’t have larges here. We have ventis,” says the barista. Shakespeare stares at him. “What’s in a name?” he asks.
Victor Hugo goes up to the counter and describes the drink he wants in detail for an hour, laying out the minutiae of the process, presentation, and backstory of his extremely simple dark roast with sugar. By the time he’s finished, the store is closed, the barista has left, and Victor returns home empty-handed.
Mark Twain goes up to the counter and orders the quintessential American coffee, but under a fake name. He leaves it there. No one is allowed to drink it for 100 years after he leaves.
Hemingway goes up to the counter and orders one espresso. It’s hot. He drinks it in silence. It makes him remember his father’s cabin. He thinks about the woman he loved once. He does not smile. The coffee reminds him of war - short but painful, swallowed down quickly. One could order worse drinks. He leaves Starbucks and walks out into the rain.
Henry David Thoreau goes up to the counter and begins describing the perfect cup of coffee that everyone in modern civilization should enjoy. He finds himself unable to pay and storms out angrily. Five minutes later his aunt comes in and pays for it.
Ayn Rand goes up to the counter and allows her tall, handsome, brooding companion to order her espresso macchiato for her. “This establishment is the very epitome of capitalism, and for that we must recognize and applaud it,” he says. “The free market is victorious every time someone orders a coffee. Big business is the cornerstone on which America was destined to thrive.” They take their coffee to go, because they need to catch a train.
George Orwell goes up to the counter, looks around suspiciously, and leaves. He only drinks coffee from independent shops.
Steinbeck goes up to the counter and begins to order, but sees that his barista’s name is Adam. Steinbeck laughs and asks if he has any children. Adam just wants to get on with his day, so he says, “Can I take your order, sir?” Steinbeck says, “Thou mayest.”
J.K. Rowling goes up to the counter and orders seven pumpkin spice lattes. The barista gives her eight.
John Green goes up to the counter and orders an espresso shot. The barista gives him a venti cafe espresso frappucino. Green says, “This isn’t what I ordered.” The barista replies, “You ordered a drizzle, I’m giving you a hurricane.”