you know parents make such a big deal about explaining homosexuality to their children but when I was a kid I watched a show where one of the villains was a satanic cross-dressing lobster and never once questioned it
my mom is trying to pick a colour for her new wheelchair and me and my dad are telling her to get black and she’s just like “but how will I know if someone is stealing it” and my dad is just like “because you’ll be sitting on the floor” and she slapped him
Me: I need to get an A on this test
Me: Doesn't study
why is this so unfailingly funny every single time
how does music say goodbye
my friend left her window open in her bedroom and came back to find this
look at his self-satisfied little face, the cheeky shit
if there was a post to describe australia, this is it
you mean to tell me this isn’t even a pet bird?
that in australia, you have wild birds that just fly from house to house with the express purpose of fucking shit up?
fucking HELL australia, what is wrong with you?
wake up australia
That’s what birds do
They fly around and fuck shit up
Do you have some kind of mysterious nice birds in your weird foreign country
Do birds in America and England fly into your house and make the bed and tidy up the living room a little bit
It’s cold here, so they just bounce off the windows and lie there and twitch spasmodically while you look for the shovel.
Basically hurling themselves at windows is the worst thing birds do
yeah man a kookaburra literally flew into a classroom at my high school and just sat his smug ass down on top of the desk for a good 20 minutes
why has nobody mentioned the fact that in australia there are 3-4 months a year where everybody just accepts that they’re going to get attacked by magpies. It is literally called “swooping season” and these birds will fly down to peck your fucking face, and people get their eyes ripped out and shit, it’s fucking brutal.
My teacher had to go to hospital and have surgery because of swooping season. It was in the parking lot of school and all the kids would do a mad dash towards the car as the magpies tried to kill us.
I have honestly never heard the word ‘dork’ used without it being affectionate
when i was 14, i proposed to this girl in my class and she said yes but our parents said we were too young to get married so we tried to do it in secret and one of my friends found this shady guy to marry us but then the girl broke up with me when she transferred schools and we never got the marriage annulled but i don’t even know if it was official in the first place so long story short, i think i might be married.
Interesting, this shows the probably of a child’s eye color based on the eye color of its parents!
All right so this is cool because I have green eyes and my parents have green eyes (mum) and brown eyes (dad) so that means there was a 37.5% chance I’d get green eyes which is pretty awesome but
I’m not confused because mum has green eyes and her parents have blue eyes (mum) and brown eyes (dad) and apparently that’s impossible?
I smell a scandal.
This is what I imagine every time I look down the British tag.
as a British person I’m gonna admit I feel this way about American boys
Wait people actually find Americans attractive?
ARE YOU KIDDING SOME OF THE MOST ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE I KNOW ARE AMERICANS
Obviously you have never been to America. Please point out all these attractive boys of which you speak.
TELL US YOUR SECRET BECAUSE I’VE NEVER FOUND ONE. THEY ARE LIKE MAGICAL MYTHOLOGICAL CREATURES
America and Britain are these two countries that just go around talking shit, upturning their noses, then secretly writing in their diaries about how hot the other country is when no one is looking, and I love it.
I’m trying to figure out which one of us is Harry and which one is Malfoy.
I’m thinking America is malfoy
*Aggressively thinks Britain is Malfoy*